This afternoon, I found myself running an errand to the grocery store with my 9.5 year old kids. I typically run grocery treks without them, but with the threat of snow, holiday on the horizon (hijacked my day to gift-wrapping) and hubby helping a friend install a new furnace after 4 weeks of no heat in friends house…kids in tow were unavoidable.

As we were getting out of the car in the grocery store parking lot, our
daughter asked me point blank:

“Mamma, can you promise me that you and Dad won’t ever commit suicide?”

One would think I should have been able to respond quickly with a ‘no worries, Baby…”, but I felt side-swiped again. For those not 100% up to date, my older by a year brother committed suicide 12/12/2008, and at the time he did…I, with two new babies, had been seriously considering it myself.

I had tried once before…in college. I was thankfully interrupted by my best friend, my elementary school playmate and my sister, all of whom were my house-mates at that particular time. I have no current or future plans to end myself, and yet, I was surprised to not be able to answer ‘no worries’ quickly and honestly.

After Matt died, I told myself that my ‘option’ of ending myself was off the table. To not quickly answer our daughter with “NO” genuinely surprised me.

As a “survivor” (that term is used all too loosely) after my brother passed, I’m really sensitive to it. I told my girl that her father and I have no plans to end ourselves, but nobody really knows the future. I told her that I would give anything to see her and her brother grow all the way up…to become grandparents and to see how amazing their lives will be…but on the converse…

I’ve been THAT sad. I know what it feels like to lose all hope. I’ve been surprised by the gifts that life, God and Fate will offer when you least feel like you deserve them.

No, Baby. I can’t Promise. But I plan to do my very best by you until the end of time.

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